"I'm the judge, the witness, the defendant, and the jury. It's all me. I'm just fighting with myself endlessly. The small hammer hitting against the table with every sentencing." well this hits differently
Funnily enough--or maybe not so funny--I've been thinking a lot about guilt recently and where it stems from and this piece helped put some things into perspective. Like how there is a moment I can recall as a child where all my anxiety probably started, and looking back it wasn't really the fault of the child that I was. But it becomes who you are, how you perceive yourself as a bad person in the world because you were made to feel wrong for a small mistake. I also wonder if removing myself from certain people/situations will help to diffuse it, but then I just feel guilty for "running away" but also I can't help but feel deep down that some level of distance is good?
Idk still figuring this out, and hope you don't feel too alone in this!
Thank you sm for writing such a thoughtful comment and I'm glad (or not so glad) that you could find relatibility in my words. And yes it definitely takes time to stop seeing yourself in a bad light all the time and actually understanding that some things are not in your hands. I hope you figure out your feelings soon and feel better, tysm for reading and commenting it means a lot ♡♡
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing! I hope we both get to a point where eventually the first instinct isn't towards guilt. When things are much lighter.
this felt like an attack 💀 i relate so much. i try to differentiate between valid and invalud guilt. So for example if i overslept fajr then thats valid guilt, but if i just misplaced a glass or did the most tiniest mistake, thats irrational guilt and i dont need to suffer the entire day with anxiety abt it, and it is true ir doesnt undo the mistake. So by stressing over something stupid thats already done all it does is give you a lot more stress. And that mistakes are normal, it is what makes you human afterall. this feeling of guilt makes you different from a bad person, who never holds themselves accountable for anything.
Mhm! All this guilt doesn't make me a 'good' person, it just makes me an anxious one. But the obsession to not be a bad person is so much that I subconsciously hold myself accountable for EVERYTHING. I'm so glad (and also not) that you could relate and liked this little post. Tysm for commenting ♡
The metaphors you used are so incredibly awesome with the right sizzle of reality. And the "wanting to be liked my everyone but not LIKING everyone" part hits so hard for me too. I'm legit going through the exact "make any mistake and you're crazy" arc as well. I highly adore this post.
No. I mean I'm over it for sure, she said it in a fit of anger and I know in a way it was a learning experience for her too. I don't like bringing up past matters that no longer effect me as much, but it was just a thing that you can't completely get rid of. At bad, bad times that moment still pops up and no amount of apologies will stop that. I know she didn't mean it and I know it isn't true, but unfortunately knowing doesn't stop the thoughts. But still tysm for your concern and reading and leaving a comment. It means a lot ♡
You're right I'm not saying anything to justify her actions but it isn't something that was continuous you know? She never said it again and there are very less times where her words have stuck. I'm not use to this behaviour because it does not happen much, which is why I've let that thing go. I know it was something that happened in the heat of the moment and you don't expect such young kid to remember or take your words seriously. It was a very insensitive and hurtful thing to say to your child and it was completely wrong, her actions still affect me today but I know her actions weren't repeated and she's been much better with her anger and words. I know it sounds odd from a third person view but family is a complicated relationship. I'm not mad at her because of this, I've truly forgiven her a long time ago. But that doesn't mean I don't get to talk about it or discuss it.
No no it's completely fine I know where you're coming from. Maybe one day I will talk about it with her, you know bring it up. As of now we're going through some stuff, moving countries and shit. So I really don't wanna stress her out even more because I know she'll be super regretful about it and think about it too much. But again tysm for your concern and advice, it's really appreciated and I'm glad your kids have such a thoughtful parent. ♡
"I'm the judge, the witness, the defendant, and the jury. It's all me. I'm just fighting with myself endlessly. The small hammer hitting against the table with every sentencing." well this hits differently
Funnily enough--or maybe not so funny--I've been thinking a lot about guilt recently and where it stems from and this piece helped put some things into perspective. Like how there is a moment I can recall as a child where all my anxiety probably started, and looking back it wasn't really the fault of the child that I was. But it becomes who you are, how you perceive yourself as a bad person in the world because you were made to feel wrong for a small mistake. I also wonder if removing myself from certain people/situations will help to diffuse it, but then I just feel guilty for "running away" but also I can't help but feel deep down that some level of distance is good?
Idk still figuring this out, and hope you don't feel too alone in this!
Thank you sm for writing such a thoughtful comment and I'm glad (or not so glad) that you could find relatibility in my words. And yes it definitely takes time to stop seeing yourself in a bad light all the time and actually understanding that some things are not in your hands. I hope you figure out your feelings soon and feel better, tysm for reading and commenting it means a lot ♡♡
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing! I hope we both get to a point where eventually the first instinct isn't towards guilt. When things are much lighter.
So well written✨
The metaphors are very powerful and the way you told about your personality was so raw, reavealing and striking.
A great read. 😊
Thank you!!
I feel like this a lot.
I feel guilty about everything I do almost. I feel guilty when happiness comes my way. I need to work on that 🌻 thank you for sharing this with us
Ofc. I hope you can feel better and grow out of this horrible habit. Tysm for reading and commenting, it means a lot ♡
💜
this felt like an attack 💀 i relate so much. i try to differentiate between valid and invalud guilt. So for example if i overslept fajr then thats valid guilt, but if i just misplaced a glass or did the most tiniest mistake, thats irrational guilt and i dont need to suffer the entire day with anxiety abt it, and it is true ir doesnt undo the mistake. So by stressing over something stupid thats already done all it does is give you a lot more stress. And that mistakes are normal, it is what makes you human afterall. this feeling of guilt makes you different from a bad person, who never holds themselves accountable for anything.
Mhm! All this guilt doesn't make me a 'good' person, it just makes me an anxious one. But the obsession to not be a bad person is so much that I subconsciously hold myself accountable for EVERYTHING. I'm so glad (and also not) that you could relate and liked this little post. Tysm for commenting ♡
The metaphors you used are so incredibly awesome with the right sizzle of reality. And the "wanting to be liked my everyone but not LIKING everyone" part hits so hard for me too. I'm legit going through the exact "make any mistake and you're crazy" arc as well. I highly adore this post.
Thank you!!! I'm glad you liked this hehehege
No. I mean I'm over it for sure, she said it in a fit of anger and I know in a way it was a learning experience for her too. I don't like bringing up past matters that no longer effect me as much, but it was just a thing that you can't completely get rid of. At bad, bad times that moment still pops up and no amount of apologies will stop that. I know she didn't mean it and I know it isn't true, but unfortunately knowing doesn't stop the thoughts. But still tysm for your concern and reading and leaving a comment. It means a lot ♡
You're right I'm not saying anything to justify her actions but it isn't something that was continuous you know? She never said it again and there are very less times where her words have stuck. I'm not use to this behaviour because it does not happen much, which is why I've let that thing go. I know it was something that happened in the heat of the moment and you don't expect such young kid to remember or take your words seriously. It was a very insensitive and hurtful thing to say to your child and it was completely wrong, her actions still affect me today but I know her actions weren't repeated and she's been much better with her anger and words. I know it sounds odd from a third person view but family is a complicated relationship. I'm not mad at her because of this, I've truly forgiven her a long time ago. But that doesn't mean I don't get to talk about it or discuss it.
No no it's completely fine I know where you're coming from. Maybe one day I will talk about it with her, you know bring it up. As of now we're going through some stuff, moving countries and shit. So I really don't wanna stress her out even more because I know she'll be super regretful about it and think about it too much. But again tysm for your concern and advice, it's really appreciated and I'm glad your kids have such a thoughtful parent. ♡