I always feel guilty
A rant of feeling indescribable guilt at all times.
Does anyone else just feel extremely guilty all the time? For no exact reason either. It's just all the time my hands feel bloodstained. It's like I can't look down without the red looking back at me. Sometimes when I pass the mirror, I see a traitor. I want to hold her by the collar and yell. “How could you do this?” “Do you think going around with that stupid, sad face make you any better?” And it doesn't make sense. Because I haven't done anything wrong. Not the kind of wrong that the guilt never goes away. But somehow I have, and I just don't know.
I think it might’ve started when my mom shoved my face infront of a mirror and told me that's how the devil looks. I had broken a fast. I was 6. I remember sitting infront of that mirror and inspecting my face. Running my tiny fingers over every feature. “This is how the devil looks” I believed that for a very long time. I think that's when the guilt started. For no reason. Because subconsciously I blamed myself for every sin done, even if it wasn't mine. I thought that the only way I could be a good person was by keeping things around me perfect. I didn't believe in mistakes. I didn't believe anger, sadness, disappointment, etc were things humans felt. That mistakes were apart of life. I believed they made me a monster. A devil.
And maybe I grew out of it, but the roots of that stupid comment stayed. I hate making mistakes. I hate being wrong. I hate saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I hate to think that anyone hates me. Which is so dumb, because I hate people too. And I know not everyone has to like me, I don't even specifically try to make everyone like me. But I will always feel guilty for being ‘unlikable’. And believe me, it is exhausting. To continuously be in this trial with myself. Where I'm the judge, the witness, the defendant, and the jury. It's all me. I'm just fighting with myself endlessly. The small hammer hitting against the table with every sentencing. Day after day, more cases, more witnesses, more sentences and even more guilt. I don't know how to stop it. No matter what I do, it doesn't stop.
The feeling is like when you do something wrong but don't get caught. That anticipating yet fearful feeling where you're waiting for someone to find you out. To point their finger at you. But it doesn't happen. And you're just stuck inbetween people who discuss the crime and how heinous must the doer be. And you just have to nod and agree. Maybe pitch in your own insult. As you crumble from the inside. That's how it feels. Just continuous guilt. Feeling like a criminal. A fugitive. Somehow I can find something to be ashamed of, everyday. Weather that's not texting my friends or not praying. Telling your aunt too much or hiding something from her. If I can't find something present to blame myself for, I dig the past. Maybe they broke up because I told her that one thing he did. Maybe it could've been better if I kept my mouth shut. That one definitely hates me, no way she forgot that one thing I did. I'll search something to feel guilty about.
But does the guilt make me better? A killer who cries after killing isn't any better from one that doesn't, right? My guilt does not clean me. It does not purify me. Regret, remorse, guilt. All of them are the same thing, and it isn't undo. You can pick at your nails and kneel before God. But you cannot undo. The blood will pool around your feet, around your knees. It will ooze out of the skin you poke at. It will be on your hands, on your soul. And no amount of prayers and wishing will make it go away. You'll be forever guilty. Trial or no trial. The mirrors and the mind will be your enemy. And you will be guilty.
Okay so before anything, all of this is highly exaggerated. I don't exactly feel guilty ALL the time but I literally cannot write something without being metaphorically insane about it. So take this as you will. But yeah I had a lot of fun writing this, feel free to tell me your thoughts in the comments.
Thank you for reading!
"I'm the judge, the witness, the defendant, and the jury. It's all me. I'm just fighting with myself endlessly. The small hammer hitting against the table with every sentencing." well this hits differently
Funnily enough--or maybe not so funny--I've been thinking a lot about guilt recently and where it stems from and this piece helped put some things into perspective. Like how there is a moment I can recall as a child where all my anxiety probably started, and looking back it wasn't really the fault of the child that I was. But it becomes who you are, how you perceive yourself as a bad person in the world because you were made to feel wrong for a small mistake. I also wonder if removing myself from certain people/situations will help to diffuse it, but then I just feel guilty for "running away" but also I can't help but feel deep down that some level of distance is good?
Idk still figuring this out, and hope you don't feel too alone in this!
So well written✨
The metaphors are very powerful and the way you told about your personality was so raw, reavealing and striking.
A great read. 😊