Autumn is here but the leaves aren't yellow

The lack of aesthetics on this side of the world

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, 2009.

I've come across many “autumn aesthetic” and “autumn mood boards” in the past week. With October rolling around, the Halloween month. Autumn has started for everyone. The leaves are turning yellow and orange, the air is getting a little chilly, horror movies start playing in cinemas and all the autumn girlies are out of their shell. Stores will sell everything in plaid patterns, scarves and mufflers and leg warmers back in season. Autumn's here guys, a bookish girl’s dream.

Until you're in Riyadh, Saudia Arabia. And autumn is just the months before winter. And I don't think it's just this place, even in Pakistan, autumn is basically the rainy months before winter comes. For many places on earth, our seasons are just Summer and Winter. Spring and Autumn are the months before summer and winter. That's how we word it. Because there are no leaves falling and chilly weather. For us it's just a less hot day or a humid day and maybe a few nice days where the air is clear and the humidity isn't suffocating.

I've always felt left out on the whole autumn hype. Because I've never experienced it. For me, autumn is actually the most stressful season. School starts and you're usually around the first term exams, not use to the studying and missing summer still. Waking up at 6am makes you nauseous and you hate waking up to a dark house after your afterschool nap. Until December/January, when it's New Years and winter break. Those first few months of school feel the worst. The semester is like never ending and you have shit routine. Bookish girls's dream? I barely ever read in autumn because I'm too busy trying to keep up with academics.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, 2009.

Don't get me wrong, the weather is definitely better. After the scrotching heat of 48°C. The normal 32/34°C feels great. It's hot, but not unbearable. The nights are cooler. But no one really experiences that weather because no one really leaves their house. Offices are at peak, students are too busy in school/university, it's the end of the year but not yet December so everyone's kind of just waiting for December. Postponing their plans and hangouts to December, planning vacations, saving up their off days. Over here, autumn is the season people prepare in. In which people earn the fun that they're gonna have in winter.

So whenever I see these ‘autumn book clubs’ and ‘which movie to watch in every day of October’. Whenever I see this like collective love everyone has for autumn on the Internet I feel like everyone's in this big party in which I'm not invited. I find myself envying people's pumpkin spice lattes and their leather jackets. The cool autumn fits with cool autumn vibes and cool autumn books and cool maple leaves. Over here we have to pray for rain¹ and I'm seeing people record the peaceful pitter patter in their car. Here we’re surrounded with books and assignments and I'm seeing frat parties for Halloweekend. The Internet is not a place you should be taking inspiration from, I know that. But sometimes I also wish the leaves of the tree outside my house turn orange and fall onto my head. Sometimes I also wish to have enough time on my hands to watch a new horror movie for every day of October. I also wish I could put on my winter clothes that I-don't-really-wear-in-winter-because-they're-not-warm-enough and read a classic with a mug of hot chocolate as in rains lightly outside. I think we all crave a certain aesthetic and mine has always been autumn.

Last year I tried everything to perform in that aesthetic. I watched a few horror films with my brother in midst of our exams, I tried to read Babel by RF Kuang as my autumn book, I took out every jacket I owned and wore it even though it was still incredibly hot for one. I did everything I could and still it didn't feel like I was the autumn girly that everyone else was.

So this year, I will resist. I will scroll past every autumn named thing on my feed, I will not look up to see if the leaves are yellow, I will not sweat like a pig because the jacket makes me aesthetic, I will not watch horror movies unless it's for me and not because it's October, and I will skip every video of matching Halloween costumes (I saw one of Jake and Amy from B99 and Anakin and Padme from Star Wars and it has made me want to scream so never again). I will proudly say that my favourite season isn't autumn, and actually is my least favourite. When I make it to somewhere that has the autumn I want, then I will make it my favourite. Till then, the weather is still hot and I'm stressed about school. The leaves are not yellow and I'm no longer going to wait for them to be.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004.

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I would post this on October 1st but that's the day of my flight so yall get it now. I've expressed my hatred for September too, I'm just not a fan of summer ending. This post is nothing special, literally just me being jealous and annoyed because global warming hit me hard LMAO. Also I used Hermione everywhere because for me she's THE autumn book girly and no hate to her I wanna be her SOO BADDD.

Thank you for reading!

1. In Islam, there's a prayer you can do with rain and it works best when done in large groups. In Riyadh, many mosques do the collective prayer when rain hasn't come by in a while.