Have you ever gotten everything you ever wanted?

No, but once I got very close.

This quote made me stare at a wall. I can't imagine how that would feel. To have something in the palm of your hands and watch it, feel it, slip through your fingers. The disappointment spreading like water, slowly freezing up. I can't imagine how it'd feel to have everything and then lose it. I can't imagine losing everything.

I've thought about it a lot, I've seen tiktok videos where the cute text messages end with a gravestone. It scares me. How immediate death is. One minute you're breathing, and the next, you're not. One day you're laughing with your kids and the next, on a hospital bed with an xray showing a tumour. It's so easy to lose everything. To click the wrong link or press on the accelerator too hard or ignore that headache for too long. Life is unpredictable. Life is harsh. But life is livable. Life, you can get over. Death is immediate. Death doesn't give you a chance to be better. Death is permanent, if you lose to it, it's over.

Bridge to Terabithia, 2007.

I've tried to imagine what it'd be like to almost have it all. I hate that word; Almost. It's such a sad thing. To be there but not quite. For something to almost happen. For it to almost work out. To be almost enough. And I think it'd feel like plans getting cancelled at last minute. When you've spent a week in excitement and chose your clothes after a lot of thought only for it to rain on the day of and your Grandpa saying the weather is too risky to go. I think that's how it would feel. Your heart heavy as you stare out the window, the rain loud and the scent like a punishing reminder. You want to throw a tantrum and you want to go. But how can you stop the rain? How can you hold you your tiny hands and somehow capture every rain drop? How can you yell at the sky and make the clouds stop yelling back? I imagine it'd feel that helpless. Or maybe when you save up for something specific only to find its out of stock, for good. When you're one mark away from an A+ and the teacher refuses to give it to you. When you make it to the final round of something and lose. When you almost do it, but then don't.

Sometimes I think maybe it was worth it. To lose but to get close enough. I wonder if Icarus could feel his wings burning as he stared at the sun. I wonder if he reached out to touch it, mesmerised. I wonder if he smiled on his way down. To lose, but to see beauty from so close. To feel the heat on your skin. I wonder if it was worth it in the end. I remember one of my friends, who lost the girl he loved dearly. She moved across the world and broke things off. He was miserable. I had never seen someone that sad ever. I asked him, “Do you think it was worth it? Loving her so much, only to lose her?”. It was an insensitive question, probably. But I blurted it out. I was about to apologise when he answered, “Yes. She'll always be worth it. I'd do it ten times better if given the chance. I'd love her harder. The heartache might be worse that way, but it doesn't matter. It would always be worth it.” I remember thinking that loving someone is never a waste. To love someone to the extent of pain, to the extent of letting go. Yet not regret any of it. That's not a waste. That's what love is. If love was only for those who got it back, then it'd be something selfish. And love, is the one thing that isn't selfish. So maybe getting close isn't that bad. It'll hurt and it'll suffocate. But maybe it's worth it. Maybe no one gets everything they ever want. Maybe the ones who get close, are the ones that actually gain something. If you got everything, there would be nothing else to live for.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones, 2002.

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I love yapping about random quotes I find. Also I'm so sorry I could not find the source of this quote, I checked everywhere. If anyone does know, please do comment.

Thank you for reading!