claws and fangs

what I am beyond humanity

there is an animal living among me. somewhere between the nerve impulses and sighs. its crawling up my throat, its buried in my cartilage. I can feel it flexing in my hands, resting on my teeth. the animal sometimes feels too close to me. like it is me. it comes out so naturally, my pupils shrinking with a snarl. the casual frown my brows take and the way I snap. The frizziness in my hair when it gets too humid. The sweat lining my forehead. The vein in my jaw. The silent storm that rages in me at all times. the animal almost lives in harmony with me. But I wonder where it found the space. I always feel full to the brim. With regret, guilt, memory. I don’t know where the animal made its den. Where it rests, where it waits. I don’t know what place to carve, what to dig to get it out. Sometimes I think the animal must’ve clawed out parts of me. Or maybe I misplaced myself somewhere. Left her behind. Perhaps on the hot bench in my empty school. The courtyard stretched out, jackets and water bottles sprawled across. The distorted speaker hummed every few minutes, sweat lined my forehead and everything smelled dusty. No phone, no music, no book. Just me. Peigons eating dropped chips and teachers walking out with unfamiliar laughter. I think a bit of me has slipped into that old metal bench. I roam there still. Inbetween the new batch of kids, with my old uniform that Id obviously overgrown. Hair tied and beat up converse. I think I still sit against rough pillars with the smell of paint engulfing me. Im still there, and the space left behind is where the animal sits.

It gets a little tiring being the only one with fangs. Your family starts looking at you cautiously. Like you’ll break any second. I don’t know how to tell them that all the anger and resentment is also me. It isn’t a separate being that exists in my shadows. The animal isn’t a demon. Its not an animal at all, really. Its me. I don’t know how to tell them that every time my jaw snaps, it isn’t something possessing me. I don’t know how to tell them that a bit of me was lost on the double roads that lead to home. In an old Toyota with horrible AC but great speakers. Somewhere in the scent of leather and my moms perfume, I stayed. And to fill all that hollow space I have nothing but rage. Hot rage that simmers down to remorse and cools into nostalgia. I dont know how to tell them that all the twisted ugly parts of me are still me. Still their pure daughter. Their kind, friendly, confident Mahnoor. Did they not see it when I was born? The claws and the fangs? Did they never notice the squinting eyes and every time I pounced? Did they not see, or chose to ignore it? Was I born perfect and turned into this or born like this and expected to turn perfect?

Recently I started Vampire Diaries out of boredom and an overwhelming need to feel something. The plot doesn’t really make sense and I sort of hate everyone but I find myself oddly similar to vampires. Not in the blood thirsty killing sense but in the impostor sense. The physical need to be invited in. I can never just follow a lead, or get baited. I need them to voice it. I need them to ask me to call, or to hang out. I need to be specifically invited to be there. Even with my closest friends and family, I will always believe they don’t want me in a certain place by default unless they say otherwise. I find myself relating to their hungry state. That half wild, desperate state. I feel like I’m like that all the time. Hungry for love, for appreciation or attention. Hungry for something cold, or something hot. Hungry for death, or for life. Hungry for a hug, or to be completely left alone. Im always in that urgent state. Eyes alert, hands shaking. Needy to the point of survival. Hungry for something. Anything. A whisper, a yell. A purpose, a reason. A cradle, a grave.

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Hi guys!! Im sorry for the inactivity, I landed a journalism internship and have been using all my creativity there. Ive had this all written and edited in my drafts for weeks now and just got around to posting it. Hope yall like it !!

Thank you for reading!